Yesterday was another normal day and also one that brought along more news about our boys. It wasn't good and through it all I feel like the Lord has given me a peace that surpasses my own understanding.
We were told that the father of the boys was also at the regional courts when the boys were taken there(first time we knew that one of the parents was alive). We don't know a lot of details and they are trying to get more information to further understand what actually happened. All they know is that whatever the father had said to the judge, I am assuming in regards to questions asked to him, the judge was not satisfied with the answers and kicked out our case again.
The reason our case is at their regional courts is that the national judge was not satisfied with the paperwork and kicked it back to their region. So we are a long way, it seems, to being done with this adoption process. It was very hard news to hear and my heart again seemed crushed; but another thought continued being present in my heart. If God wanted this case to pass, it would have been so easy for it to go through. There is a reason why this is all happening and even though I don't fully understand, I must trust in Him. My own abilities and strength has proven to be weak and insufficient and the promises of the Lord has carried us through this process.
I felt like the Lord had prepared my heart the day before with helping me to realize that I wasn't staying vigilant over my heart and that the deep void I felt in my heart for Jonathan and David was being filled with other things besides the Lord. I was checking out emotionally sometimes, feeling emotionally exhausted and sometimes very frustrated and anxious. I thought I was doing OK, but I realized I had let myself slip. Daily and hourly I am trying to fill this void with the joy of the Lord, mediating on who He is, His good and perfect character. He loves Jonathan and David more than we ever will and He loves us enough to give us the privilege to go through this trial. Not only has it helped paint a clearer picture of my spiritual adoption, but our journey has given us so many opportunities to share with others about spiritual and physical adoption, God's faithfulness and his mercy and above all even that these struggles bring glory to our Father in heaven because through our weakness, He is strong.
My staying phrase that I continually try to put before me is this: "THE JOY OF THE LORD IS MY STRENGTH". I am striving to continue to find joy and gladness in my Savior and that when I focus on Him, His strength sustains me.
"Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our suffering, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." FOR while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly